The Most Boring Girl In The World

Here's what I've discovered and am trying to NOT accept:

I am the most boring girl in the world.

See, I used to be exciting and creative and talented and fun.

Then I would be morose and agitated and unable to function and dependent.

I was, at minimum, predictable in my unpredictability.

Now, nothing.

I have no sass.  I have no pizzazz.  I don't have a lot of 'give a shit' either, quite honestly.  I am not (as) needy as I once was.  I'm fairly independent.  So where did the interesting, unpredictable me go?  She went by the medication way-side.  That's where she went.

I am now what most people would call 'stable'.  And do I liked it?  Am I happy to be stable?  No.  I'm really not.  What the hell is wrong with me? I want to be imbalanced and unpredictable and agitated and suicidal, yet the funnest me I'll ever be?  Abso-fucking-lutely.  
Don't get me wrong.  I know my medication and the fact that the doctor, after many attempts, has finally found some forty med combo that works, should be a blessing.  I know that.  In my logical brain.  But my emotional brain says "fuck this shit!"  I can't write.  I have no opinion on anything (with the exception of a few asshole people, which doesn't make for good writing *shrug*).  I've lost my passion.  I've lost my oomph and my chutzpah.  I've lost myself.  

While I don't miss the depression, I do miss the mania.  Unfortunately, I really can't have one without the other.  I don't want to lie in bed for days and call in sick to work and let my hygiene go down the shitter.  I really and truly don't.  But I DO want to clean house like a mad woman, alphabetize, organize, have lots of sex, feel beautiful and sexy and productive and FUN!  I want all of that back.

If this is the real 'normal' me, I don't think I want her. She's mediocre, at best.  She can clean the house~ some days.  She is productive at work.  That's a bonus.  She is interested in sex~ occasionally.  She feels ho hum about her looks and her style~ here and there.  She has fun~ kinda.  See, mediocre.

I don't remember a time since junior high that I haven't been either extremely depressed and suicidal (I was emo before it was cool) or extremely high strung, flirty, promiscuous. I have never been anything other than extreme.  

Until now.

Yay for normal.

~Jezzie