You Can Scream, You Can Cry, But Don't GIve Up

I'm currently working on obtaining two AA degrees, one in Human Services and one in addiction counseling. Now, I say "currently" because, yes, I'm currently trying to complete my last two courses that it will take to FINALLY be done.  Did I mention that I've been working on these degrees since 2011.  Yes, you read that right almost FOUR years to get my two year AA degrees. And I still have two classes that I have to finish.  

Did I mention that I'm 39 years old?  *sigh*  

Talk about feeling like I want to scream.  Some days I DO cry about it.  And I'm certainly trying not to give up.

I am wanting to carry on and obtain my bachelor degree in Sociology.  I'm on the verge of giving up.  Here's the dilemma: if I petition to graduate with my two AA degrees then I can definitely get those lovely papers to hang on my wall~which I am just dying to do.  I have never finished anything in my life.  I dropped out of college my first go round.  I then went to trade school and finished with a diploma instead of a degree because I just couldn't push on any further.  So now I have the option of petitioning for my degrees and feeling that sense of accomplishment that I've never felt OR I can keep going to finish my transfer courses so I can continue on to an even bigger accomplishment.  What to do?  

Did I mention that I also have a mental health disorder that comes and goes as it wishes causing me to become almost incapacitated at times?  

Yeah.

So what do I do?  I can petition for my degrees and THEN continue on with my transfer courses, but I will have to pay a much higher rate for them and I really don't know if I'm eligible for financial aid since I still owe bu-coup amounts of money from the trade school that I never finished.  Again, *sigh*

I want to just pull my hair out.  And scream.  And cry.  And, really, just give up.

But that's my MO.  I give up.  Why, though?  What am I scared of?  Why can't I just make a decision?  I'm a completely indecisive person.  I am the queen of what's called "avoidance coping".  If I avoid making a decision then I avoid making a commitment that I will likely fail to meet.  I'll be setting myself up for failure.  At least that's what I am telling myself.  

I can always push my degrees out even further by taking only one class per semester; which is my husband's recommendation.  This is a very appealing idea since I know I don't want to overwhelm myself and make myself definitely feel like giving up.  But how long should it take a normal human being to complete a simple degree for gawd's sake?  Should that matter?  Or I can suck it up and take the two classes I need RIGHT NOW to finish my first two degrees and hope I don't screw up my GPA by overwhelming myself (yes another reason I like to give up on my endeavors...if I am not perfect, I don't want to do it) and then leave a second decision to be made in the future about carrying on to my bachelor degree?

What to do?  What to do?  

I'm terrified of finishing and then giving up on my next goal.  I'm terrified of not finishing because I am focused on the overwhelming task of finishing my next goal.  I am terrified of not getting my "A" in my classes this semester.  I am terrified of finishing AND carrying on to my next goal only to find out I can't get funded anyway.  

What do I do?  Sometimes I scream (Especially in my head), sometimes (a LOT of times) I cry. 

But so far I have NOT given up.

Don't be afraid like I am.  Don't set yourself up for failure just because you're afraid to make a decision.  Set those goals and then strive to meet them.  If they take you longer than anticipated, go ahead and scream.  Go ahead and cry.  But, whatever you do, do NOT give up.

~Jezzie