My Muse

pas·sion

ˈpaSHən/

noun

1. strong and barely controllable emotion.

   "a WOman of impetuous passion"

While complaining to my husband today about the lack of passion in my writing and my inability to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, as it is) he informed me that he feels that my writing does, in fact, still show passion.  In his words: "even if your passion right now is looking for your passion". 

Hm.  Interesting thought.  So, I got to thinking.  And reminiscing. 

My mother once told me that I was "always so radical".  I was completely indignant at the thought.  At the time. I mean, my god, how horrific for someone to reduce another person's love and desires, freedom of expression, needs and wants... the thoughts and emotions that consumed them, mentally and physically to a word with such negative connotation. 

Now, though, I realize with a significant amount of loss that I miss being radical.  Radical = passionate, in my perfect-vision hindsight.  And I miss being passionate about something.  About anything.  About everything.  I miss the ache in my stomach while being infuriated and unable to create change.  I miss the screaming in my head and through the keyboard while trying to make others feel what I felt about social injustice and politics and mania and depression (passionate about depression!). I miss the red-hot pulsing of my blood when i would rant to anyone- everyone- about wrongful convictions and sexual freedom.  I miss the thrill of debate.  I miss raging on about religion or the death penalty.

Once upon a time I read with passion.  I ate with passion.  I wrote with passion.

I miss me.  Passion was my life force.  I fed on it and digested it and spit it out like some repulsive meal that left a bad taste in my mouth.  

Who was that girl? She wasn't particularly beautiful or funny.  She wasn't especially unique or anymore intelligent than the next girl. 

But...

She existed.  And god damn did she shine.  She was enthralling and captivating, an agitator and thought provoking. 

Maybe my current passion is about finding that girl and rekindling a romance not long forgotten.