Here's what I've discovered and am trying to NOT accept:
I am the most boring girl in the world.
See, I used to be exciting and creative and talented and fun.
Then I would be morose and agitated and unable to function and dependent.
I was, at minimum, predictable in my unpredictability.
Now, nothing.
I have no sass. I have no pizzazz. I don't have a lot of 'give a shit' either, quite honestly. I am not (as) needy as I once was. I'm fairly independent. So where did the interesting, unpredictable me go? She went by the medication way-side. That's where she went.
I am now what most people would call 'stable'. And do I liked it? Am I happy to be stable? No. I'm really not. What the hell is wrong with me? I want to be imbalanced and unpredictable and agitated and suicidal, yet the funnest me I'll ever be? Abso-fucking-lutely.
Don't get me wrong. I know my medication and the fact that the doctor, after many attempts, has finally found some forty med combo that works, should be a blessing. I know that. In my logical brain. But my emotional brain says "fuck this shit!" I can't write. I have no opinion on anything (with the exception of a few asshole people, which doesn't make for good writing *shrug*). I've lost my passion. I've lost my oomph and my chutzpah. I've lost myself.
While I don't miss the depression, I do miss the mania. Unfortunately, I really can't have one without the other. I don't want to lie in bed for days and call in sick to work and let my hygiene go down the shitter. I really and truly don't. But I DO want to clean house like a mad woman, alphabetize, organize, have lots of sex, feel beautiful and sexy and productive and FUN! I want all of that back.
If this is the real 'normal' me, I don't think I want her. She's mediocre, at best. She can clean the house~ some days. She is productive at work. That's a bonus. She is interested in sex~ occasionally. She feels ho hum about her looks and her style~ here and there. She has fun~ kinda. See, mediocre.
I don't remember a time since junior high that I haven't been either extremely depressed and suicidal (I was emo before it was cool) or extremely high strung, flirty, promiscuous. I have never been anything other than extreme.
Until now.
Yay for normal.
~Jezzie
