Just Fuck

I have been trying to make myself write every day.  This blog is the attempt to get me back on track as an opinionated, intelligent, articulate woman.  But you know,….

Some days you just want to fuck.

Or you want to watch TV with your favorite girlies.

Or sit on the couch and eat until you are miserable.

Or read a mediocre book.

Or decoupage with your mom.

Or pet your animals.

Or road trip.

Or sleep.

Or cuddle under a blanket with your doggy.

Or cuddle under a blanket with your hubby.

Or go to the thrift store.

Or go and have a laugh at the comedy club.

Or...

just fuck.

How's that for articulate?

The Cure

Cold and Wet

Warmth is just a bottle away

Scared and hungry

Courage is just a pipe away

Aching and alone

Painlessness just a pill away

Tired, oh so tired

Sleep is just a needle away

There he goes...

There he goes

Our little man

A face full of dimples

And eyes of the sea

Hi hair, jet

The black of a raven’s wing

Chubby little toes and fingers

Always searching for

The next “thing”

Curious and bold,

Easy to laugh

He dares you

Not to fall in love with him

As he toddles away

There he goes

Our big boy

Still those eyes, only

Now eyes more aware

Of life that moves forward

Without him

He’s all legs and long arms

In jerseys and cleats

Football games

And basketball practice

Friends and girlfriends

Are what matter most

He dares you

Not to reminisce

As he walks away

There he goes

This grown human

Off to another day

Money to be made

And papers to write

He’s all brain and responsibility

He no longer laughs

Quite so easily

A breathtaking sound indeed

Blue eyes focused

On what is yet to come

New adventures

A new life, future wife

With a truck full of memories

He dares you

Not to miss him

As he drives away

The Elements of Me

You are earth

the rock that I lean on

the ground beneath my feet

steadying me, grounding me

keep me sure and steadfast

allowing me to crash

on something strong, familiar

standing beside me always

You are air

the breeze that lifts me

the wind that carries me

to far away places

you lift my spirits

allowing me to fly

with the world below me

flying beside me always

You are water

the swells that rock me

the waves that bury me

drag me from my rocky shores

fluid and adaptable

allowing me to float

weightless and gentle

floating beside me always

You are fire

the flames that burn

the heat that consumes

scorching my skin, my eyes

the demons within my soul

allowing me to blaze bright

no fear of extinction

blazing beside me always

You are the elements of me

carry the ashes of me

on the wind

douse them with water

send me back to the earth

You are earth, air, 

water, fire

the elements of me

Trapped

I am trapped by my finances.

I can't escape.  I literally can't escape.  We have one car (that has issues, btw) between two people who work full time in opposite directions and opposite schedules.  I want to sneak out on my lunch break and window shop or drive around my old neighborhood.  I want to throw the girls in the car and go have lunch with my hubby or just surprise him by saying 'hello' and driving back home.  I want it to sit in the driveway all day and never be used, but look out the window and see it sitting there waiting for the minute that I WANT to use it.

There is nothing we ever seem able to do to get 'caught up'.  Every time we have an extra penny we end up having some sort of catastrophic event and I hear the universe belly laughing at us. It takes money to do stuff, no?  Hell, it takes money to make MORE money.  



I am trapped by my town.

I can't seem to escape it.  I don't want to live in a small town.  I don't want to live in a "country" town or a conservative one or a quiet one.  I want to live where there is noise and color and tastes and smells from every culture and every neighborhood that is not my own.  I want public transportation- smelly buses and, let's face it, smelly people sometimes.  I want to be able to walk to the store and to museums and to the best dive in town.  I want street food and horns honking and historic districts.  



I am trapped by routine. 

I can't escape it.  Escaping routine puts the balance in danger. When I go off my routine I go off my rails.  Seriously.  I shop, I call in sick, I sleep, I don't sleep, I never want to be home.  I get wander lust and day dream and want to run away.  Because people who live without routine do those things.  I WANT to do those things.  I want to call in sick and run away and spend money on a road trip we can't afford and binge watch really bad (or really great) t.v.  I want to regret it all.



I am trapped by my meds.

I can't escape them.  They are, supposedly, there to make me normal.  Or keep me stable.  Or whatever other way you choose to look at it. Well, I don't know what "normal" is, but I'm fairly sure that I don't like it.  I am boring.  I am, as one of my previous blogs so succinctly put it, the most boring girl in the world.  My meds keep me from being creative.  They keep me from being fun.  They keep me from being interestingly despondent.  My meds keep me from feeling beautiful- or hideous.  They keep me from feeling sexy- or sexual.  I am able to function, true.  But is functioning all there is?



I am trapped by my head.  

I can't escape.  I talk to me, I question me.  I am my only friend and most days I hate me.  My head is lonely and dark and crazy and safe.  Many days, it scares me.  My head is a box that I can't claw or crawl my way out of...because I like it here.  No one tells me they won't be my friend just because I'm depressed (depressing?) and morose.  Of course my head tells me I'm crazy, but at least the crazy never leave me. My head is my safe haven.